Log in

i love you more
21 May 2008 @ 03:41 am
I've been somewhere within the 107-110 range for the past few days, and I feel as flabby and gross as I did when I weighed 140.

I try to reason these things out. At 107, my BMI is 16.3. That's low, right? 18.5 is supposed to be the lower end of the "average" spectrum. I was happy with being average once. I was happy with being slightly below average (or above average, according to my skinny > overweight mentality, I suppose) once, too. Seventeen point anything used to be iffy. Iffy in the "maybe I really don't weigh enough?" sense. And then it was okay. And then it wasn't good enough, but I never really wished to be sixteen point anything. But now, even that is no longer enough.

The dietitian I met with a few times at school helped me a lot by giving me numbers. 1400 is approximately the number of calories my body should burn in a day spent lying completely still. Therefore, I should be able to consume that many calories without gaining. I convinced myself of that for a while, and even though I still tried to stay below 1000, it was calming. For a while. So I thought I should find some "comforting" numbers, weight-wise... (Statistics taken from various news articles.)

Brazilian model Ana Carolina Reston died in November at age 21. She was 5 feet 8 inches tall and weighed just 88 pounds, for a BMI of 13.4.
Okay, so I definitely do not ever want to weigh 88 pounds.

The average runway model is estimated to be 5 feet 9 inches tall and to weigh in at 110 lbs.-- resulting in a BMI of just 16, according to the British newspaper the Evening Standard. But the BMI calculator I use says 5'9 and 110 pounds is actually a BMI of 16.2. For me to have that BMI, I would need to weigh 106.5 pounds. Do I plan on ever being a model? No... but of course I feel I need to be thin enough to be one, because I cannot stand the thought of being unable to do something, especially as a consequence of something controllable like my weight.

The concern over the Spanish ban, which demands models have a BMI (height to weight ratio) above 18 to participate in shows, spread to the United Kingdom, where it is now questioned whether the British Council might put a similar rule in place before the upcoming London Fashion Week. Yes, I want the rest of the world to be healthy. But me? No, of course not. For me to be "healthy" according to those who implemented the ban in Spain and those who wish to implement it in the UK, I must weigh 118.5 pounds. Therefore, I can't ever let myself weigh more than 118.4 pounds.

The World Health Organization considers people with a BMI below 18.5 underweight. To achieve a BMI of 18, a 5-foot-9 model would have to weigh about 125 pounds. The average runway model at that height is 115 pounds. According to this statistic, an average model has a BMI of 17.0. For me to have that BMI, I have to weigh 112 pounds. I weigh less than that already, and that is the only truly comforting thing I've found through this whole process.

Finally, according to the Department of Health and Human Services, [my] BMI is 16.6, placing [my] BMI-for-age below the 1st percentile for girls aged 19 years 1 month. Why am I posting this? Because I'm sick, and disgusting, and so horribly self-centered as to post something like this out of what can only be described as a cheap imitation of pride. "Hey I feel fat but I can't be if I'm below the first percentile, right? right? right?" For me to look at that "1" in the same exact way that I looked at the "99" under percentiles for standardized testing when I was little shows how warped my priorities and sense of self have become.

In conclusion, 1) I'm a nutcase, 2) I'm a hypocrite who says people should live their lives according to their own beliefs and values but secretly uses something like the world of modeling to dictate something as stupid and irrelevant yet fundamental and critical as her weight, 3) this madness is never going to end, 4) I must never weigh more than 118.4 pounds, 5) if I can get my weight to stand still at 106, I should stop losing.

But God knows "stop losing" is a dream. I'll find new numbers to cling to once I get there. Madness, madness.

I'm going to try to change my layout and post new pictures some time soon. I like change.

Actually, even the tiniest little fragment of my life screams that I'm absolutely obsessed with it.